Hoppy Easter 2012!

We had a lovely Easter this year! First, on Saturday, the now-traditional egg hunt/picnic at my SIL’s parent’s house, who my kids are sure are also their grandparents. Second, back to mom’s house for baths and a glow-in-the-dark egg hunt designed by my thoughtful SIL herself:

 

The next day, we got all ready for church with my big extended family in Alabama:

 

Kiddos:

 

Cheeky monkey – note the skull and crossbones on the bowtie?

 

Had lunch with a huge group of cousins, cousins-in-law, grandparents, great-great aunts and so on:

 

Cousin Darby and Cat

 And to top it all off, Cat gave me her first poem! I have preserved her delicious seven year old spelling for you:

God made the erth

the tres and the plats

He also made the anemels

And the ants.

I love the Lord, whose sune died on the cross.

I love the Lord, who loves us all so much.

 

Well said, Baby Girl. Well said.

 

Michele is trying to kill me

My babies are away for Spring Break at Nanafest 2012. Today, Michele sends me this:

 

ARRRG.

 

And this:

 

Where did these babies go?! And somehow I don’t think “Alabama” is the right answer.

Drama-tunity No. 136 for 2012: Ear piercing

Cat has made several random requests to have her ears pierced lately, so when we were visiting Alabama this last weekend, and my sister mentioned she was thinking about having her second hole repierced (it had grown up), I thought the timing was perfect. I checked in with her Dad (who was off romping through bankruptcy moot court in NYC) and the conversation went like this:

Me: I am thinking of letting Cat get her ears pierced this weekend, since Ginny is getting hers done. She could see it happen first and be less nervous.

He: [short pause, while he un-choked himself] I dont’ think she has Any. Idea. how much that is going to hurt.

Me: Um. No offense, but I don’t think you do either? When was the last time you got YOUR ears pierced?

He: [deep breathing…..dare I say, gasping…?]

Me: Seriously, it hardly hurts at all, and it is over in an insant. Gin says that now they even have quieter guns so that you don’t hear it, and the sound was the worst part.

He: [silence]

Me: Think of it like this. Ginny is going back for her SECOND second piercing. Do you really think GINNY would do it over and over if it was really painful?

He: Good point. And I suppose it is inevitable.

Me: Yes, it is.

He: And better now, while I am not there to hear the fussing.

Me: That was your out loud voice.

So on Saturday, after scarring her softening Cat up with a nice thrilling movie that had her in tears from the drama (The Journey 2 – the Lorax was sold out and hey, we were already AT the theater…) we trooped over to those elegant stylist at Chez Sam (a.k.a. Super Walmart) and got on with the show. (Some may think I should have gone more fancypants for this particular event, but I think of this like I think of childbirth. I gave birth both times at Northside Women’s Center. Why? Because they deliver babies all day, every day. The odds of my birth story including something that NWC hadn’t seen were astronomically low. And those epidural techs? That’s all THEY do. Similarly, those Walmart jewerly counter girls? They do earrings ALL day long.)  Anyway, Ginny had assured her that it really did not hurt, as had I, as had Nana. Like Daddy, Cat is pretty sure Gin won’t line up for painful procedures, so she was only a tiny bit nervous going in.

Here are the wonder twins, waiting for the girls to be ready:

A bit nervous

 

All happy while it is Gin’s turn:

 

Last photo of naked ears. I love the freckles!

 

A bit worried:

making sure they will be even...

OK, a lot worried:

they are counting down....

Tada!

My pretty, brave girl!

I was super proud of her – there was a moment of tears and since then, very happy. 🙂 Ginny informed me, however, that Cat told her that “we just have two different opinions on ear piercing. That DID hurt, Ginny.” But she seems to have forgiven us.

 

Meet Rex

On Tuesdays and Firzdays, Matthew and I take Cat to school through carpool (which ends at 8:25. Promptly.) and assuming we make that cut off, we head to the church, which is less than a mile away, to wait for Mother’s Morning Out to start at 9:00. (If we do NOT make that cut off, I have to acquire a late pass from the office, then take Cat to class. I’m not saying this happens often, but one day this winter when I dropped her off and started driving away, Matthew screamed as we passed the office: “You a’most forggotta get Cat’s PAAAASth!”

Anyway, MMO teachers usually arrive about 8:50 or so, but luckily I stole have a building key so we just go in and wait in the Nursery Rhyme and Matthew shows me the toys, introduces me to his friends as they arrive, and plays with the CD player.

Today, we were SUPER early, so I learned a lot of new facts.

1. Rex is a dinosaur who is TOO noi-see if you push his but-ten. In fact, supposing you were to push his but-ten over and over to hear the growl and snarling, you would be told rather sternly to stop pushing the but-ten. And if you did it again, you might be asked “What did I say, Mommy? Dat’s too. Noisee. Pweeze do not push it again. I asking nicely.”

2. Rex likes to build car washes for the bus that lives in his toy box, using the blocks that are also in his toy box. It is entirely unclear why he likes either shiny clean buses (which he will not fit inside) or why he likes construction, but these are both very high on Rex’s list of to-dos.

3. Rex has verry sharpt teef.

4. Apparently, Matthew carries at all times an emergency toof-brushing in his back pocket, which is also noi-see, and which is ONLY for dinosaurs and big kids (like matthew) but not for mommies. In his front pocket, there is a pink toofbrushing that is not noi-see.

5. It is helpful to have Mommy “hold down” Rex so that he can have his teef brushing really good, otherwise he apparently is squir-emy.

Here, you can see the busss (fresh from the washing), the Rex, and the car washing made from blocks. Below, you will see Rex being comforted after his very sharpt teef were brushed “so your mouf won’t smell bad no more.”

Brief hiatus

This week, I have four different meetings with Assistant U.S. Attorneys on new cases. Yes, fraud against the government is alive and well. While this is nice job security, it means you will be deprived of my babblings words of wisdom for the next week, because all my time will be prepping, traveling, meeting, or debriefing.

I will miss you all. To pacify you, I offer you this, which Michele aptly titled:

“Come on, I catch ya!”

Well, he doesn’t lack for self esteem, does he?

 

 

Destressing for Kids

Here’s a cool article you might enjoy on how to “stop your kids from stressing.” It comes from the experts at Bing Nursery School at Stanford – the very place that brought you the Marshmallow Test – and (to sum up) the tips are as follows:

1. Allow for playtime, downtime, family time. I am a big believer in this one – an overscheduled Casa del Bracker is a homicidal Casa del Bracker. I can’t do a lot about mommy and daddy’s crazy schedules (at least not until my office completes its crushing of Lockheed Evildoers and Daddy finishes school) but I can try to resist the urge to sign them up for every thing  under the clear blue sky.

And on this topic, I especially enjoyed this gem: “Studies shows that family meals are the single strongest predictor of higher achievement and fewer behavioral issues for children between 3 and 12.” Hmm. Off to find some new recipes. 🙂

2. Distract. Help them turn their focus away from what’s bothering them. Perhaps a nice game of Wii, anyone? I have recently been learning the power and value of distraction as a way to maintain patience and reach a goal – I guess I have always thought of “distraction” as a bad thing, when really, it’s more like fire. Sure, it can wreck your house and kill you dead, but it can also cook your food and give you warmth and light. Like fire, it just has to be CONTROLLED.

3. Problem solve. That’s teaching it, not doing it for them, by the way.  The aticle suggests you start by actively listen to the problem, then ask open ended questions (“what do you think would help?”). I am a huge fan of this one, since it builds a life skill.  The trick for me (as anyone who spends much time with my poor daughter will see) is that I want to JUMP IN AND FIX IT for her rather than letting her grapple with it on her own. Luckily for Matthew, I at least recognize that isn’t the best thing now.

4. Keep routines. The article suggests that when things are stressful, routines are even more important. This, of course, is music to my heart. But it also comports with my observations both as a parent and as a teacher. Routines provide a measure of comforting predictability, as well as something to look forward to when other things are not going as well.

5. “Watch, listen, communicate, reassure, validate” – isn’t that more than one thing? Taken together, they seem to be saying check in and stay aware of how your kids are feeling so you can respond appropriately – including by reassuring them that it is “ok” to have whatever emotion they are having. I like that this is intended to guide them toward more empathy – “how do you think the other person feels?” Give them skills to talk about stress and stressors, so that they can “use their words” and not their actions.

6. Let children be children. I love this quote: “Physiologically, kids are not mini-adults,” Pope says, “and the idea of miniaturizing the adult world is a huge problem. It can lead to things like inappropriate use of media, inappropriate ways of dressing and inappropriate things being put on children’s shoulders.” Chandra advises that if kids do pick up on things happening at home, that they be told it’s “an adult agenda” and that parents are taking care of it. That seems to make some solidly good sense.

Now, the most interesting suggestion to me was this:

Pope recommends that families sit down and take a hard look at the value systems driving them. “Ask the big questions: How are you, your school and your child defining success? It is often that definition, that value system, that is driving the unhealthy stress.” Work together to write a mission statement that articulates the family’s core values, Pope suggests. Who are you as a family? Where are you going? And who are you not? A lot of important parenting choices are made on the fly from your gut. “You ask people what they want for their children and most will say, ‘A happy, healthy, self-sufficient person who gives back to society.’ But if you work backward from that, it’s not about the overscheduled, gratified 8-year-old. We are talking about the long term here.” Pope adds, “And even if that train has already left the station, it’s not too late. It’s never too late! Put your stake in the ground, abide by it and live your values.”

Wow! Love that!

Has anyone ever tried this family mission statement thing? I am not sure that we are ready for that at 3 and 6, but I do think the “working backward” idea is a great topic of discussion for parents!

Pinterest Planet: Social Media Is Ruining My Life

My daughter’s valentine bag came home full and looking like an advertisement for Pinterest. 

There were no fewer than four bookmark projects involving paint chips, at least three or clever plays on words like “crayon” and “sucker” (with appropriate items attached) and of course, the requisite doilies taped/stapled/glued together.

Facebook was even worse – everyone rushing to display what “my kid did” for Valentine’s Day (perhaps with a TINY bit of help from mum).

Looking at that bag, I flashed back to a Valentine’s FB post by a friend (private and I can’t link, unfortunately). It was a story written years ago by her grandfather several years ago, a humorous piece about why he hated Valentine’s Day because when he was growing up, students had all week to drop “mail” into other student’s boxes, with no requirement that everyone receive a valentine from everyone else. (The horror! The inequity!) Apparently, in Depression-era rural Pennsylvania, the best Valentines were the precious, “store bought” variety.

Clearly, we have come full circle. 

I confess, I have not signed up for Pinterest yet. I know it is inevitable, but I fear and dread it. One reason – the reason I keep articulating – is that Pinterest has the promise of being even more time-wastey than Facebook, and I do not have room for another Facebook in my life, thankyouverymuch. The second, more shameful reason, is that I am just plain annoyed about it. Pinterest is trying to ruin my life.

 Let’s be honest, people. The single strength I bring to this whole mommying rodeo is that I have a lot of cute ideas. I don’t always have time to execute them, and I get a LOT of help when I do from Marvelous Michele, but I do really enjoy trying to come up with cute things to do. But with Pinterest, you don’t need ideas, just a computer and time.

Arg. My one parenting strength has been obsoleted (is that a word?) by social media.

And for now, I am taking a perverse pleasure in NOT using Pinterest for my ideas. Why? As near as I can tell, because I am stupid that way.

Rant over. I will return you to your regularly scheduled blog.  Or you can go craft or something. I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of “aggravated rainbow” craft with paintchips that we can make off of Pinterest.

In Support of Wish No. 5: Sleep and childhood obesity

We all know (or should) that lack of sleep is linked to obesity. Here’s an interesting study: sleeping in on weekends helps kids (and hopefully growed ups) avoid obesity. 🙂

Researchers at the University of Chicago analyzed the sleep patterns and BMI of 308 children between the ages of 4 to 10, dividing them into nine groups and using wrist actigraphs for one week to determine when they were asleep. The group of children with normal sleep patterns had the lowest risk of obesity and metabolic complications.

The study noted that on average, the kids slept about eight hours each night, less than what they should be getting. (Kids ages 5 to 8 should sleep 9 to 10 hours). The healthiest group was the one who slept regularly and “enough” meaning 9 to 10 hours per night. Second healthiest, however, was the group who “caught up” on their sleep on the weekends.

Now that I have validation for No. 5 of my Top Ten things, I just have to persuade my kidlets to sleep in…

Thundering wild elephants

I’ve stolen the following, word for word, from FemCentral:

Elephant keepers and trainers in India – mahouts – commonly use chains to restrain their elephants. A chain strong enough to hold a grown elephant, however, would be far too heavy for a human to lift. So, the mahout ties the baby elephant with the heaviest chain that the mahout can handle. Though the size of the chain is too big for the baby elephant, it attempts to break the thick chain for years, finally getting the notion that the chain can never be broken. Later when it becomes an adult and actually has the strength to easily break its chain, the elephant never attempts to do so. Its willpower has been destroyed. The elephant lives its life not knowing about its strength.

Occasionally, an elephant becomes aggressive and tries to run away. In that struggle it breaks the chain and sets itself free. Once the elephant is caught and again chained, however, it does not remember that it can free itself. (Source: http://www.sakthifoundation.org/breakchain.htm)

Jenn, at Fem Central, was using that well-written elephant metaphor for women – in number, the majority now in most first world countries, and yet whose issues are marginally represented in the political arena. I remember hearing that same statistic back in my senior year of college (1992 or 1993) when Naomi Wolf spoke at Vanderbilt to promote her then-new book, The Beauty Myth. (Incidently, Naomi argued that the real problem was how afraid most women are of the label “feminist” and urged us to take back the term – something Jenn is doing herself at the moment over at Fem Central, and beautifully so.) That lecture was flat out life changing to a happily conservative, religious girl from the rural South. So if you haven’t read it, proceed at once to obtain The Beauty Myth (and everything else by Naomi Wolf). Then come back here.

Because here, I want to take a moment to contemplate this metaphor in a very personal way. I can think of many other examples of this same phenomena from the animal kingdom – once bullied by the family cat, puppies tend to stay that way – even when they outweigh said cat by 100 lbs or more. Similarly, a puppy who retreats under a couch to “hide” from scary things like thunder will still try the same maneuver – even when only the very tip of his muzzle will actually fit under the couch in adulthood. 

I guess the point is this:  we form impressions of ourselves and our relationship to the world in childhood and often – too often – we never even examine those beliefs in adulthood, let alone challenge them.  I’m willing to bet you that as adults, those elephants never even asked whether they wanted to be chained. It was just a fact of their life – taken for granted, background to their lives.

So… what “chains” are we building for our children? I have my chains, and I bet you have yours. I have chains I have been consciously battling for years – “good mommies are at least a bit chubby if not outright fat, because skinny moms are not cuddly” and “skinny means selfish” are personal Unfavorites – and chains I started to see only comparatively recently (“God made you an educator, educator means for kids, why do you involve yourself in ladies’ ministry?”). I am sure I also have chains I haven’t even seen yet that will need to G-O, if I am going to be everything and do everything God would like for me to be and do.  And I saw a scary one start to form around Catherine last year, wrapping like evil black kudzu around her shiny little soul – “having babies makes you sick and fat.” Bless her heart, after watching my experience with Matthew at the tender age of three, no wonder she formed that thought, but oh! how it broke my heart when I realized it. (We have worked – and are working! – on dismantling that one, let me tell you!)

And then there are the chains that I want to forge, that I am consciously weaving around my babies’ hearts: you are a good person, a loved person, a valued person, a person who makes good choices. You are a child and a servant of God. And so is he, and he, and she and she…. These are things that I want to be so much a part of the fabric of who they are, that they never need question them. And with God’s help, these are chains that won’t snap when tested – chains that bolster and support instead of imprisoning and limiting.

Childhood is when we learn to see the world and ourselves. We learn who we are and how we fit. We learn what we are expected to do and how we can contribute to this crazy world. We learn what opinions matter and what should be disregarded – and if we are very lucky, we learn the strength and skills to do so.  And like that puppy, what they learn about themselves now will stick with them long after their little bodies have moved on.

God, give me the grace to spot the limiting chains before they tighten like nooses, to snap those chains in two and hold them up and say “see? this was nothing! this was not truth! you can do anything!”  And beyond that, help me teach these precious babies to test their own chains, to distinguish the ones that provide support and knit us together and to You, from the ones that burgeon like weeds and choke off movement and growth, those that stifle. And finally, give them the skills to destroy those chains themselves, to never be held back by some artificial limitation based on some old, unexamined script or image. In short, teach them to be a proud, thundering herd of wild elephants….

Um. Well, maybe I got carried away by my metaphor there. But you see what I mean. 🙂

This just in: Dad shoots laptop, makes me squee

OK, it is not really news, but the facebook world was abuzz over this past weekend about this North Carolina dad who shot his daughter’s laptop after she put up a letter to her parents (but hidden from them, or so she thought) on facebook.  Dad, apparently an IT pro-fessional, found it and made a response video that he put up on her Wall. Reactions were mixed. Personally? I freaking loved this video. Why? Honestly, because it so refreshing to see a parent doling out actual punishment for a change. Here are some of my favorite parenting tips as illustrated by this Dad:

1. Note that he said something like “Remember I told you that if it ever happens again it will be Worse?” Well, that’s clever. I think it is very important to never make a threat you are not ready, willing, and able to follow through with, and so I often chose completely vague threats like this one. A favorite, before field trips was “If you embarrass me, I will embarrass you,” for instance. Nothing specific, yet it struck fear into the hearts of my students.

2. Note also that he made no promises in the heat of his anger about how long punishment would last. “Someday, years from now, when you own another laptop…” Yeah. Much like No. 1, it is pretty critical that you don’t say something you can’t stick with, and that includes timing.

3. “Let the punishment fit the crime.” She used the laptop to do something pretty horrifically obnoxious. Say what you will about the waste of the laptop, it was clearly tied directly to her crime. A “natural consequence,” if you can call anything involving a .45 slug “natural.” (And yes, I can. I’m from the South. Deal.)

4. I think my favorite part of all is the way he told her to never refer to Miss Linda as a “cleaning woman” ever again. But maybe that’s just because it was the seed, from the beginning, that let you know that Ms. Shannon’s high horse was not on moral high ground.

5. I like the way he acted publicly. You may not, but personally, I think responding to the same audience she used for her spoiled little tirade was, well, genius.

And you know what? I give it good odds that this is a story she will eventually brag about, because (a) it shows how stinkin tough her parents were; and (b) there’s a real good shot (no pun intended) that she will turn out to be an actual valuable member of society, if her parents keep this up.

I am not kidding when I say that I hope that this video going viral will inspire many, many other parents to actually PARENT their children. With actual punishments, when called for – perhaps even punishments that inconvenience the parents themselves. Wouldn’t that be nice?

And yeah, I’m filing this under “Seriously.” Because I am. 🙂